this is so so so so so so so stupid.
gosh, denise WAKE UP.
you need a wake up a call.
i feel like running like far far away.
i feel weird
i feel empty
i feel like suffering dementia just for a day
i feel like eating dandelions
i feel like listening to music all day
i feel like screaming at you, you and YOU.
i feel like throwing my schoolwork at my teacher
i feel sad
i feel like crying
i feel like sleeping
i feel like escaping
i feel like talking to someone who really understands
i feel like not being here
i feel like tugging at you
i feel like tugging at your shirt
i feel like crying in front of you
i feel like jumping
i feel like tearing my notes and pretend i have depression
i feel like flying
i feel like exploding
i feel like my chest is so heavy im gonna fall front
i feel like singing really loud
i feel like blasting music
i feel like saying sorry to everyone i knew
i feel like im going crazy.
i feel like i dont know what to do
i feel lost.
yup, that basically summarises how i feel.
today is a sad day.
i didn't see you the whole time in school:( no matter how long i waited.
my phone was flat too. so didnt bother checking.
when i came back, i slept. had a supersupersuper horrible dream that made me cry.
my heart was beating damn fast i thought i was going to have a heart attack.
i was worried and afraid that my dream would come true so i called, and i was really relieved to hear your voice. i'm sorry. it's not a prank call.
i was just really really afraid because the dream seem all too real. i was afraid to lose you.
and the place in my dream was somewhere i've seen before.
i saw that place in another dream before. and you, you were wearing those shoes you wore...... it's just too scary.
at the same time, i'm still worried. because you didnt speak as i waited.
I NEVER EVER WANT TO HAVE THAT DREAM AGAIN.
let every heart.
i just realised something!
hiyuka is not able to conduct electricity! it's unable to move the mouse using the mousepad:(
hiyuka ah ...... i miss the person who gave you to me. hiyuka, dont tell him k?
i'm kinda glad that Valentine's day clashes with Chinese New year.
i'll just treat it as Chinese New Year.
i dont even wanna imagine it.
I'M GONNA WEAR FORMAL ON MONDAY AND THE REST OF MY CLASSMATES GONNA PANGSEH ME BY NOT WEARING FORMAL TO PIA LECTURE. WHICH MEANS I'M GONNA BE SUPERSUPERSUPER PAISEH DURING LECTURE AND MCT. AND WHEN MY PHENOL GRP'S WEARING ON FRI, I WONT BE WEARING. SAD:(
OH WELLS.
today is a bad day:(
i didnt know i could be so irritated with classmates until just now.
and yah, i was REALLY IRRITATED/ANNOYED with their last minute, dont-know-when-to-be-serious type of attitude.
felt quite bad blowing up, but couldn't help it.
AND I FIND IT KINDA FUNNY AND I FIND IT KINDA SAD.
i feel ignorant.
so ignorant.
i feel inferior.
so inferior.
rarrrrrrrrrrrr. i'm gonna go crazy soon.
i knew you were stressed from work, but i didnt know you were that stressed.
maybe it didn't occur to me that while this sem will be vvvvvvv hectic for me, it will be the same for you.
it just didnt occur to me that you were THAT stressed.
so that's what you're troubled about.
perhaps i tried asking you before, but you kept going round and round in circles.
i just couldn't read between the lines.
i think i know you very well, guess i will have to think again on that.
and here's the best part,
i knew it through someone's blog.
):
i dont know how should i feel now. guilt? sadness? confusion? maybe i'm supposed to feel all at once.
i will help you in MCT my own way. idk how. but somehow or rather, in my own flawed way, i will help.
as for the rest, guess i'm not needed.
<3
my heart aches so badly i feel like taking it out to rub it.
help. SHYTSHYTT
idk what to do.
look at the mess i got into.
i'm really afraid of this kind of stuff.
my hands are rly freaking cold now.
what shld i do? avoidance?
gosh. i'll act normally for now.
=((((((((
i really wish i'm misunderstanding this whole situation.
today, i read my parents' love letters.
it should be a secret actually. hehe.
i realised and learnt alot of things.
it suddenly felt so real that my parents went through the same path of growing whereby everyone of us will experience.
it makes me happy to know that my parents actually know what we're or rather i'm going through.
it's a warm and comfortable feeling to know that they actually understands what's BGR.
and they were once deeply in love.
hehe.
im so glad that my dad shared those with us.
(:
but then again, it makes me wonder, where has all those love gone to now?
it seems ....different.
hmmmmm....
>.<
i m u =((((
UGRH. im so easily irritated.
like now.
i feel so... URGH!?!?!?!?
I HATE MY HW.
especially IPT. IT reminds me of you.
YOU, please GET OUT OF MY MINDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD AT ONCE.
=(((((
now 've lost the last way of knowing more abt your life.
haiz. i dont like it when i'm clueless.
ANYWAY, it's time i be less like a stalker.
i dreamt of you. i realised i'm still thinking of you. badly.
somehow i really like that dream.
because it has no one except you and me.
i know its fake. because that's what dreams are;opposites of reality.
but somehow or rather, a part of me believes that it's true.
and that part of me makes me happy.
i m u.
i think i might have an inferiority complex.
eff it la. i stayed up all night just to learn ipt and mct.
but when the time comes, my mind just had to go blank and i couldn't rmb anything.
i felt so sucky while doing the paper. i forced myself to recall. but it was as if i've nvr read before. i just couldnt rmb.
and i told Ms Chua the wrong drug. biggest. most unforgivable mistake ever.
she has really high expectations of me , and so must be disappointed in me. very.
i tried so hard. yet, i failed. why i dont understand. and she is really spamming me with questions. questions which i can't answer.
yes, i cried. while on the way home. really felt so sucky and such a failure. because of that, and Something else.
haiz. life suddenly seem bleak.
i must be really tired. staring at the screen makes the words shake. o.0
today is a freaking bad day.
Denise was happy when i boarded 518.
but then, she fell asleep on the bus not long after.
by the time she woke up, she found herself at MJC-.-
she had thought she rmbed how to get home from there, but fact is, she didn't=.=
so she walked for half an hour like an idiot for 2 bustops.
still not knowing how to get home,
she decided to take a freaking cab and cabbed from PASIR RIS to PASIR RIS!!!
and now she freaking feels like crying cause she realised she jsut had to walk one more bustop to reach white sands.
on top of that she dropped her PHONEEEEEEEEE. T. T
now she feels so dumb and frustrated>.<
she has to appease herself.......
now i know why i don't feel the satisfaction no more.
sometimes i feel cheated.
an 8 page report in which i spent so many sleepless nights and my blood and tears to finish, i can send it to classmates so easily with them just saying that they lost theirs.
i don't believe them, but i think i'm really too soft hearted.
i keep thinking what if it's really true.
sometimes i don't know if people are sincere towards me.
i think i'm easy to bully. even my sis says so.
i wish i can read minds. to tell if others really mean what they say.
welcome to liargame in reality.
one emotion i'm feeling now is guilt. =((( i feel bad.
honestly, i really don't like them teasing me with E.
i feel so uncomfortable yet i can't do anything abt it.
damn sian.
urgh. i've been thinking of a way out but there seems to be none.
=((
sometimes, i wish i wasn't treated so nicely. deep down, i'm afraid.
today, i made a lot of mistakes during the open house. said alot of things wrongly.-.-|||
now vvv tired.
re-enacting some scenes in my head, i still feel kinda disturbed.
and i heard something i dont wanna hear today.
kinda just adds to my sadness + uneasiness.
urgh. now i just feel so stupid and empty.
waiting for nobody at the bustop. when i know i shouldn't.
stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid
I've made a promise with myself; i don't want to like anyone until uni. and i will keep it. i'll make sure.
MARCUS. What is your problem seriously?
i've just spilled some freaking cells you dont have to get all worked up and start cursing the f word at me.
i know, it 's my fault, i was careless but heyy, even the teacher didnt say anything okk.
yes, i'm pissed.
and i will not compromise from now onwards. i had enough.
and once again, the baby replaces the bunny in the house:(
All along, what i thought was for me was actually not. okay, i feel so retardedly stupid.
shouldn't think too much from now on.
to forget you.
by Low Kay Hwa.
i cried/teared while reading this. it really touched my heart. and it reminds me of you. a lot about you.
it may be a little cliche at first, but it's so very true.
Part 1: To Say Goodbye
Love; It can make you smile for the rest of your life, but it can also make you cry for the rest of your life.
Yet, why are we always taking the risk, and plunge even further into the river of love when we know we are going to drown in sorrow?
Maybe that’s the power of love: I will be contented, even with two hours of tears alone, just for that one second of kiss with you.
To forget you: That is the most impossible thing to do.
To forget is just an interpretation. An immeasurable love’s memories can never be wiped off. Time doesn’t devour memories: It just slowly, painfully converts them into fragments of a dream. Occasionally, something will spark the wrath of the dream and the dream will alter into a memory again.
To forget you: Is not to remember you. Every single detail in life reflects you: Every MRT Station I see, every drink I drink, every shirt I wear. But to forget you, what I have to do is not to remember you: Not to remember that we once kissed at this MRT Station, not to remember that we once shared that drink, not to remember that you bought me that shirt.
For now, sinking into a memory of one of the touches you stroked on me, I cannot remember the physical touch, but I can remember the delicacy of it.
Have I forgotten you, superwoman? When I tried to forget you, I had just thought of you again. Are you thinking of me now, as my mind revolves with your image, again and again?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
It was not a decision based on emotions when I decided to break the news to you. I had thought of it for months: The happiness that we shared; it is never going to last and if that is so, why still pursue a love that is going to writhe away soon? Why create more happiness, when I know that this ring of glee is going to be part of a memory that you will dearly miss, and I will heartbreakingly forget?
Before I met you, I wondered why all the lyrics in love songs were so exaggerated: Why do lyricists create such mushy and overemotional sentences? Why can’t they just write a good melody without those melodramatic lyrics? That is plain exaggeration.
Before I fell in love with you, I thought romance novels were just so silly: Why would a person cry for another person for hours? How could a person wait for his lover for years? That is plain silliness.
Before we became a couple, I thought romance movies were just so stupid: How could a person love another person so deeply that it became an obsession? How could one sacrifice so much, even to the extent of his own life, for his lover? That is plain stupidity.
When I realized I had fallen so deeply in love with you, I finally understood that songs, novels and movies are just reflections of life inspired by the writers’ true stories.
Because when I decided to end our relationship, I realized our story mirrors a love song that I once heard, a novel you once read and a movie we once watched.
When I stepped out of the main door, I love you deeply, but I am going to tell you that we are going to separate soon. The pain is not the separation: The pain is the love that we share; the love that was once so blissful is never going to be refreshed again.
The pain is that we are still so much in love, yet we have to let go now. Only someone who had experienced this before will understand.
Isn’t it ironic? It is my profound love for you that brought us together. Now, it is the same profound love that will separate us.
We have known each other for two hundred and thirteen months now, and have been together for ninety months.
You should have seen it coming, right? For the last few months, I have been exceptionally quiet. It used to be me calling you in the night more than you calling me. But last month, I didn’t even give you a call. You were the one who called.
You can feel it, right? We used to meet at least four times a week. But last month, we met only once a week. You scolded me, but you can tell that I didn’t feel a speck of remorse, right?
“I’m sorry.” I start, my low voice cutting into the tranquil night. I have come today not to explain, but to inform. I didn’t enter the house, but stood outside the gates with my bike parked near the road, an unfamiliar parking position.
“What? For being late again? I’m used to it, superman. What is the thing that you cannot say on the phone?”
“I think… we should break up.”
You smile, that smile that used to melt my heart. I look away as your voice rings chokingly into my ears: “Yeah, me too.”
Maybe there’s laughter; I can’t tell. “I’m not joking.” I say. You are still putting on that smile. It must be hard for you to digest this for I never crack this kind of joke. The silence slices back, and I feel like we are two trapped butterflies in a bottle, waiting to be experimented on.
“I’m sorry.” I say. “Sorry.” I step back. “Sorry.” I say again, and distance away from you. “Sorry.” I say again. “Sorry.” I forget how many apologies I made.
We are separated by a pair of closed gates between us. What you need to do is to push a button on your remote key and the gates will swing open: But if it swings open and breaks off the barrier between the both of us, the gates will hit me as it swing outwards towards me.
Isn’t that an appalling reflection of our relationship? Breaking the barrier will allow us to be together, but one of us will be hurt. One of us has to give way, and I have volunteered to be the one.
I turn and walk towards my bike. Maybe you’re crying. Haven’t you seen it coming? These few months, our conversations were like two strangers who had just become friends. Six steps later, I finally turn my head a little to steal a glance – a final glance maybe - at you. I cannot see you clearly, because in front of my eyes are my own tears.
Are they tears of sorrow, or tears of relief?
“Come back, you stupid idiot!”
I turn the key on my motorbike and the headlights shone. Then I push the “start” button and the bike roars a little.
“Why?” After you said that, the sound of the gates opening echoes into the serene night. As you march towards me, I can hear your every step. “Please tell me why. It’s a joke, right? Right?”
I fix my eyes on the bike, not wanting you to see my reddened eyes.
“Stop right there!” You say, and grab my hand. I push your hand away gently.
I can remember the delicacy, but not the touch. I have forgotten the touch, but not the delicacy.
“I’m sorry.” I say. “Forget me.”
“I can’t!”
“But I had.” I say, my voice fading to a whisper.
“I’m crying.” You say. I can hear it: Your sentences were chalky, and your voice was high. Blood. Blood? Why do I think of blood when you said that you were crying?
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t remember your promise?”
I sit on my bike and put on my helmet.
“How about Superland? How about our promises? How about our time capsules? We can work things out, superman!”
Superland. Our promised land. Our time capsules. We will be married. Apples’ Day. Super Day.
I press on the clutch and kick to gear one. Your eyes are red, and you are blinking fast, waiting for an answer from me.
Through my full-face helmet, I just say sheepishly, “I’m sorry. Please don’t look for me anymore.” Maybe you didn’t hear that, for my voice is soft with despair.
I release the clutch, twist the throttle and lift both my legs up. “Come… back, you stupid idiot.” Your voice faints off, just like our memories.
Before I leave my flat, I had already put all my emotions on hold: I will no longer be controlled by my emotions, or by you.
Don’t you understand, superwoman? It’s for your own good. Why will I want to break off with you, when laughter and bliss surround us? Because I can no longer provide you with the same happiness; I will be late for our dates for two hours, four hours, eight hours, sixteen hours, days, months. You will disappear from my life soon, while I will live in your mind endlessly. Because if both of us are to cry, I want to be the one who cries louder, I want to be the one who takes a longer time to recover. I want to absorb all the sadness from you. Why don’t I disappear instead, so that you will find another superman who loves you truly?
The utmost pain in this world is not breaking up with you: It is remembering the love that we once shared, yet there is no likelihood to revive this love once again.
I don’t remember the tears; I only remember the pain.
To read more download the preview here : http://www.goodybooks.com/books_tfy.htm
out of my reach.
I can't believe what i just gave away now i can't take it back.
I dont know who to trust anymore.
Nobody seems believable anymore.
i dont want to be on my guard all the time.
.......and they live ( ) ever after.
The end.
i can't seem to remember what's that word anymore.
AHHHHHHHHH. SO IRRITATINGGGGGGGGGG. I CANT STAND MYSELFFFFFF. F IT F IT F IT . WHAT THE HELL. WHY AM I SO STUPIIDDDDDD. FREAKFREAKKKKK. I FEEEL SO STUPIDDDDDDDD. IM PISSED. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. okay, much better.
yup. i think i will unprivatise my blog soon. pretty soon.
for now,
exhausted.
everything seems so familiar yet beyond reach.
depressing much.
saying I love you to someone who probably doesn't even know.
pathetically pathetic.
WOW THANKS THAT WAS A PERSONAL ATTACK.
freedom of speech?
my fingers are so dry, they bleed.
like forest fire.
i just realised my resolutions sorta clashed.-.-
how can i aim to be happy and carefree at the same time, work very hard?
=.=
oh wells.
2009 has been a year of extremes.
2 ends of the curve.
both another-level of happiness and one litre of tears.
i hope and pray that 2010 will be a better year for me, and for all my love ones.
yes, i've lost someone whom i really liked very much this year, but "lost" as in not literally.
but i've gained many many friends.
2009 has been a year of fear, hardships, love,joy and sadness.
a spectrum of emotions.
and i just thought back and realised that i've cried alot in 2009, some because of work, my course, friends, and my love ones.
of course, there are happy times. those i really really treasure.
somehow i'm quite sure those times wont come again in 2010.
but knowing you're happy now, at least i know i didnt make the wrong decision.
and the previous post, upon rethinking, i dont think it's true. cause i wont break the promise made to myself.
okay, hello 2010, here i come(:
